saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
