God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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