I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
