there's paper in my vomit.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
