On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
