Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
