I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
