dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
