My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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