My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
