I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
