I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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