I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize