I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
