since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
