after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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