So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It's just like the Real World with babies
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
