The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
