Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
