AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We are two peas in an std pod
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
