Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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