I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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