OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I can text with my tongue
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
