I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize