My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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