After last night, I could never be a politician.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
