you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
