my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
