So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
