As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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