Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
