I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
