She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
