Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
