Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
