fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
