You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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