I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
