I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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