There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
