First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
