either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
