i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
There are leaves in my underwear?
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