normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
