Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize