We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
