your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
its liver damage thursday
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
