My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
