I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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