hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
foreskin is a definite game changer
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
