I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
