Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
whose parrot is this?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
