i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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