Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
