sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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