i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
