birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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