oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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