my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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