don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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