The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
