maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
