Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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